eternalmindorgy

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There is something in number 3...;)

smile!

~Julesie

 

The question of the day is: WHY?

Why do people show so much hate? Why can't they stand other people's happiness. And why do they think they always know what's best for someone, not knowing them? OR even knowing them but not letting them decide for themselves about their lives?

Well this rant was triggered by another long list of hate comments about Ryan and Keltie, colored up by equally hate comments about Pete and Ashlee...plus a couple of my friends I see every day, which I'm not gonna talk about here cause it's private. I wasn't going to say anything but the things I read on Buzznet recently piss me off too much.

Alright. So girls have crushes on Pete and Ryan. They also have crushes on Jon and Spencer I guess (and others). But why don't they hate their girlfriends? Cause they know nothing about them. It's always "Haley/Cassie is so sweet, so beautiful" but "Keltie/Ashlee is..." and here comes a list of insults. Just because Kelts and Ash are public persons and there are more pictures of them, more info about them. All their small mistakes are caught and put online, while no one does that to the non-famous ones. It's enough that someone writes something about them and suddenly we have a huge hate campaign because Kelts and Ryan or Pete and Ashlee had a fight, or because "she wore this so she's a slut". Which actually is as normal as breathing, don't you think? Or maybe you're oh so freaking saint and never fight fight with anyone (which actually I'll never believe after reading your hateful comments). They fight the same as Jon and Cassie, Spence and Haley, Gabe and Bianca and all the other couples. But you don't know about it cause the girls aren't public personas. Ashlee and Keltie are so you think you "know" them

And how can you say Ryan or Pete deserve so much better? You think you know them so well just because you read a few interviews and saw a few shows? You only see what they want you to see. And what is it with saying Ryan would be happier with Jac? Isn't it his decision? If he was happy with her they'd still be together. And to you disappointment he's still with Keltie. Which is "a bad thing" because he's not depressed anymore, he smiles more often, he says he misses her and loves her, he writes happier songs...oh what a tragedy. So many fans have no reason to make use of their Florence Nightingale syndrome anymore.

Oh great and faithful fans, loving your idols so much and caring so much for them...so much you can't stand seeing them happy. Hurts so much? Seriously, open your eyes and realize they're grown-ups (most of the time older thank you, with much more experience in relationships). Let them live their lives and be happy with whoever they want to be. If they weren't happy they wouldn't be with them. It's the XXIst century. There are no fixed marriages against someone's will. At least not in these cases.

Open your eyes and realize that your silly behavior affects your favorite stars too. If you talk shit about the ones they love then don't blame them they don't want to be close with you but are distant and suspicious about fans. And stop ruining reputation of the real fans.

Thank you very much

Love me or leave me or rip me apart

And you know what? There's an old truth in the "make love not war"

peace

~J

Good things to wake up to:

- to read a happy blog of someone you like

- to find out someone you don't know and who lives on the other end of the world would like to meet you because of something you did. That's an amazing feeling that gives wings

- to have someone you really admire wish you a great day and send best wishes. Even if they're in Russian while you're Polish ^^. It's the effort that counts. Thank you Alex! You're the sweetest "heart-melter"!

- to hear the song you love on the radio on your way to work

Bad things to wake up to:

- when a lolly slips off of the stick right after unwrapping it. I'd say it sucks but actually it's quite the opposite.

 

LOVE YOU ALL MY WONDERFUL BUZZNET (AND NOT ONLY) FRIENDS!!!!

 

~Ju Ju~

This story happened a few days ago. My mom was babysitting my almost 3 years old nephew. They were playing, suddenly they heard some noise in the hall. As if someone was trying to open the door, but not break in, just open.

"Who's that? Grandma Ola?" My mom asked
"No, grandpa" My nephew answered and ran to the door. He was bouncing, motioning for her to lift him up to the peephole. Mom did that. He looked outside. Mom asked what was there and he happily said. "Grandpa!"

"Grandpa Bogdan?" Mom asked. Grandpa Bogdan is Grandma Ola's husband. But my nephew only shook his head.
"No, Nana's Grandpa" He announced. Mom looked through the peephole too but saw nothing. My nephew looked again, turned around. "Stairs" He said with a disappointed face.

...my Dad died six months ago...

~J~

A litle bit of whining and wallowing in self pity for a start. Some kind of bad luck must be hanging over me. Within merely two days I managed to hit my head (not the first time so it doesn't make any change to the brain cells anymore), fell off the and sprain my ankle, got hit by the door, hit my head again and cut my arm on something sharp during the redecoration. I can't even remember when it happened. Clumsy some will say, I'll say too tired and sleep deprived. And sad because there's no one to go and whine about it. No one to hug me when I feel like crap...

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from ?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong ?

Being single sucks. I miss having someone. Sadly I've mastered the art of being a singleton to perfection. Getting a Bridget Jones syndrome? Who knows. All I know is that my relationships didn't leave sweet memories. And yet I'm willing to try again, craving that something I've never actually experienced. Why don't I try you ask? That's a good question too. I don't know. Maybe I'm scared? I know I am. I'm tired of wasting my best years and my pride for someone who treats me like the worst thing that could happen to the world, criticizing my every step. Maybe the next time will be different? I keep telling myself that all the time, fooling my heart

Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety

Maybe there's no one I find good enough, no one interesting enough? No, that's not true. There are a few possible candidates I could consider after getting to know them better. Three to be precise. Only two of them would mean breaking my main rule. The one I swore I'd never break again. Besides who knows if they'd be even interested in someone like me. Just because I find them cute doesn't mean anything. Apparently guys have problem with accepting my hyperactive and twisted person (too complicated for them?) ...the third one is a bit too far at the moment to be even considered 

Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?

I went through another short night. not much sleep. Getting used to you. I know I said I'd blame someone for that but it's not true. Although yes, in a way...if you're reading this (which i doubt), yes, damn it, you're the one to blame. You. But it has nothing to do with all the sex scenes. It made me think. I guess I did too much reading between the lines, let my mind overanalyse and therefore seek something that isn't there? Or maybe it is? Maybe that's exactly what you're hiding from the world and allow it to slip only through someone else's words?

Father Mckenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near.
Look at him working. darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
What does he care?

But I have to admit, I was reading it watching One Missed Call at the same time. When I finally fell asleep I had dreams. This time I could remember a few things. Mom, Dad, people I don't know. Spiders. Lots of spiders (did I mention I hate spiders?). And him. Right there beside me. Wrapping his arms around me and making me feel safe. He keeps doing that to me. Visiting me in my dreams only, refusing me his presence in my life. I wonder who he is. Sometimes I think I know. Sometimes I can see his face. Sometimes it changes. Sometimes he's a stranger and sometimes he's...just a dream. A wishful thinking. A sparkle in the dull life to make me smile in the morning before another crazy day of working and listening to all the happy people brag about their other halves?

Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father Mckenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved

~J~

How do you take small steps when you don't even know where to start? I keep apologizing for every little flaw, and things others don't even notice. Everything is so fragmented and magnified. I am under constant scrutiny, and wondering if people really see what I do. If maybe I'm the only one watching. If maybe people would still like me if I didn't apologize for every little thing, for existing.

I know that people make sense when they tell me my friends are here for a reason. I know that they don't suddenly start hating me over nothing and that silence doesn't always mean bad things. And still...still. I'm a smart person, I know that things don't work that way, but then why does it feel like that? And how do I shut it off? How do I stop thinking? How do I stop being someone, doing things that I've done for 22 years? How do I change? And yeah, people are there now. They're friends with this person who apologizes for everything, who walks on eggshells and blames every detail that goes wrong on herself. If I change, what will happen? They say they won't leave. I know I should trust them.

But it hurts. It hurts that I'm so messed up, that I don't know what to do. That I log off the internet, but then I start texting them, and freak out when they don't reply. I'm so worried. Because I have something good in my life for once. I have people that mean more to me than people ever have. People that I consider family. And I'm messing that up, by trying too hard. I wish I knew how to tell them. I wish I could be sure that 'I love you' really is enough.

(weekend madness)

What is it: Brendon, Ryan, Jon and Spencer locked in a studio with Jared Leto trying to get in?


Post your ideas :)

~J~


The answer is PANIC ROOM
Andswered by ASHAMAE! (http://ashamae.buzznet.com)

Here it is. One of the stories I've written for Juli and Gray. They're kids from the city, so they curse a lot, but I have tried to tone it down as much as possible. Reviews would very much be appreciated. And you have Jules to blame for this *hides from critics*

-

So Sick

Gray/Juli

-


The phone rings. An answering machine clicks on, and the first thing you hear is laughter, followed by the sound of kissing, some mumbling, another laugh and more kissing. Finally, after a few seconds, someone heaves a sigh, and a voice starts to speak. “Hey, this is Gray-” He doesn’t get far though, but he hadn’t expected to.

“And Juli!” You can just -hear- Graham roll his eyes at the tape, to which Juli scoffs and pokes him. “Jerk” He mutters under his breath, giving Gray the glare of death which really doesn’t mean too much coming from the bubbly blonde.

“Anyway” Graham insists, trying to make a proper tape, the typical we’re not home right now, so leave a message after the beep kind of shit, that really doesn’t work too well when you’re living with Juli Janvier. “We’re not in right now-”

“Or we’re in bed” Juli chirps.

“Juli!” Graham’s blushing, and his best friend slash lover slash everything just laughs, before working on his neck to the point where Gray finds it hard to suppress a moan. He shivers, and the tone of voice that Juli is using on him isn’t making things much better.

“So leave a message after the beep while I go and manhandle Gray into the bedroom” No protest from the other teen here, because really, he likes it when Juli gets aggressive. And Juli knows it, which is why he drags him into the bedroom, not wasting any time.

-beep-

“Gray...” The blonde in the chair looks up at the machine, petting the kitten that has fallen asleep on his lap. He’s been listening to the tape again, letting the answering machine pick up every damn time someone calls. And with people worrying about him, that’s been happening quite a lot. “Gray...you really need to change that message.”

Graham nods at the machine. He should. “Juli is not coming back, Gray. It’s been three months now. You’ve got...you’ve got to get over it, man.” He knows. He’s seen Juli, with his new boyfriend. They looked happy. The kind of happy that he said only Graham could make him. Guess that was just a lie, like when he said he’d never leave. Like when he said he’d love him forever, and that they would make it through anything.

Then again, Gray can’t really blame him. He’s not the only one in the world that’s been lied to, and aside from that, this whole thing was his fault anyway. He deserved being lied to, he deserved Juli grabbing his stuff with angry eyes, and leaving. He deserved Juli slamming the door in his face when he tried to explain it to him, and he deserved Ben kicking him out of the apartment building, telling him to leave his cousin alone. He deserved all of it, still does, and maybe that’s why he doesn’t delete the message, maybe that’s why he hurts himself like that, listening to his voice, remembering how happy they used to be.

*

Juli doesn’t want him anymore. Ben’s said that, and then, when Gray demanded that he hear it from his ex himself, Juli came down to tell him that. His face was pale, his eyes numb, but he said it. He literally said it. “I don’t want you anymore Graham. Leave me alone.” So he has. He watched Juli walk back upstairs, and then he left. He left to go back to their apartment, to the house they shared for over a year.

And that’s where he still lives now. In the place where he remembers so much. It’s the same bed he’s shared with Juli, the bed that they woke up in every morning, happy and relaxed. It’s the bed they kissed each other goodmorning in, and the bed they made love in for hours, before falling asleep in each others arms.

When he walks into the bathroom there is still his toothbrush. His pink toothbrush that made Graham laugh the first time he saw it, and every morning after that. It’s the toothbrush that makes him smile still, though it’s a twisted and emotionless laugh, just a habit, muscles contracting, even if he feels like crying.

Wherever he goes, a kitten follows him, meowing and trying to get his attention. He picks her up, but sometimes she’s not the man she wants to cuddle her, and then she’ll scratch his arms and hands until he puts her back down. When he does, she stalks off, checking every room, her sounds increasingly desperate. Graham wishes he had as short a memory as cats do. Maybe then one morning he’d wake up thinking that Juli was still there.

He remembers the exact way Juli looked at him when he found out. Remembers the way his face paled, the way his eyes suddenly seemed to shatter. He remembers how instead of screaming, Juli just got awfully quiet, and walked into the bedroom to pack some stuff. If he closes his eyes, he can still see the way he stood in the doorway, pleading, telling him please, please to reconsider, but Juli just pushed past him, without a single word.

And even now, he prefers seeing that Juli, the one whose heart he broke; he just wants him home. He just wants a chance to explain, to beg for forgiveness. He wants to be able to put his arms around him and take away the pain, but he knows that he is the one to cause it and that’s why he stays away now. Because Juli looks happy, walking hand in hand with that other guy. Juli is laughing and smiling and kissing someonenothim on the streets, in the movie theater, in the park. He’s seen them at the beach at night, arms wrapped around each other, watching the sunset the way they used to do and he wonders if he’s really that easy to replace.

*

Why are there so many love songs in the world? He’s sick of them. He’s sick of hearing how he broke someones heart and he’s sick of hearing how amazing it feels to wake up next to the one you love. He’s goddamn sick of people singing how crazy he goes over a smile, and he doesn’t ever want to hear another stupid break-up song. He swears that next time the radio plays one more damn song that reminds him of Juli, he’ll trash the thing. But that’s the problem. Everything reminds him of Juli.

*

Graham doesn’t go out much, and when he does, he makes sure to slip down streets he knows Juli won’t walk. He knows the route his ex takes to the club, knows where he’ll be walking, and shopping, and drinking his coffee. He knows every damn place in the entire city and he tries to stay away, like Juli asked him to. Leave me alone, so he does.

It’s not his fault they bump into each other at the supermarket. He just needs whipped cream, his mother coming over tonight to celebrate her birthday. Juli takes one hard look at the cream in his hand, remembers how they used it to paint Grahams name over his heart, remembers how he licked it off, and how in return he licked strawberry flavored lube off of him. He remembers, and so does Graham, and for a moment they just stare at each other. There’s hurt in Juli’s eyes, though only for a second, before he turns away. And Graham, Graham doesn’t stop him

*

Juli texts him that night. Whether it’s a moment of weakness, or one of hurt, he doesn’t know. All he does know is that when he’s eating his cake, talking to his mother and forgetting about him for one tiny moment, Juli comes right back flooding in.

Whose body did you spray that cream on this time?

He nearly chokes on the food in his mouth, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, where he stands looking at himself in the mirror, a pale boy with haunted blue eyes, shocked that Juli is texting him, texting him this. His fingers are on the keys, he keeps wetting his bottom lip but there are no words, there is nothing he can say, or should say, that isn’t either overly pathetic or just plain rude.

Nobody. There hasn’t been anyone in my bed since you stepped out of it.

But he has to say something, and since overly pathetic and plain rude are already crossed out, he has little choice but to be honest. Not that Juli will care.

Luckily for you sex isn’t limited to beds.

Or believe him, apparently.

*

Graham doesn’t hear anything from Juli. He hasn’t responded to the last text, and so he does what he should have done a long time ago. He deletes the message on the answering machine, and takes what is left of Juli’s stuff out of the bedroom. He stands with the strawberry flavored lube in his hands for what seems like an eternity, willing himself not to cry. It’s over. It’s so over and he needs to move on. So, even though it takes a while, he finally gets the strength to put everything in a box. Flipping open his phone, he hesitates for a moment, unsure of whether to call him or text. Deciding that his voice won’t be able to handle staying indifferent, he sighs and presses the text button.

I have the rest of your stuff. Do you want me to bring them over?

He spends the hour after that smoking cigarette after cigarette, opening and closing his phone every few minutes, to see if perhaps he missed a call, or a text. It doesn’t come. Not for a few more hours, and not until he knows Juli is at work and drunk.

I’ll have my boyfriend pick them up.

Gray swallows. His head is arguing that he already knew, that he shouldn’t feel this way just because the love of his damn live has a new boyfriend. He already knew that Juli moved on. Then why, why, why does it hurt so much?

*

Crawling into bed, Gray takes Flower with him, needing some warmth and comfort. He hides his head in the pillows, wanting to scream, but just as he is opening his mouth, his cellphone goes off. It makes him growl, and he takes up the phone to switch it off, until he sees the caller ID. Love of my life, it says, and he brushes his thumb over the display. That’s one thing he hasn’t done yet. Deleting his number. Graham wants to, but then there would be no way back. Not ever.

“That’s it?” A drunk Juli slurs into the phone, and Graham is confused, doesn’t know what he’s talking about so all that comes out of his mouth is a very eloquent ‘Hmm?’ “That’s it, Graham? Not even an answer? I tell you that my new boyfriend is coming by to pick up my stuff and you don’t even get upset? Not even a little bit, Gray?”

“Juli...”

“No...shut up, you prick. You don’t get to treat me like this! You don’t get to suddenly decide that it’s over and that you’re moving on. You’re supposed to be at home, miserable for cheating on me! That’s what you deserve!”

“Juli, I...”

“Jerk” Graham can hear him crying on the other side of the line, and all he wants is to get over to the club and hold him, kiss away all his tears, and just beg, plead, do anything it would take to be forgiven. “I loved you, you miserable piece of shit. I did everything for you, and you effing cheated on me!”

Graham rubs at his eyes, swallowing to try and speak, but he’s at a loss of words, again. Juli does that to him.

“Did you know that I sometimes call our house just to hear how happy we were? I kinda forget, Gray. I’ll be sitting here, and I just...forget what it was like between us. How amazing we used to be.”

“I love you” He bites his lip, running fingers through his hair. God, he misses him. He misses everything about him, and he just wants him home. Juli still calls it their house. Theirs. Are they really beyond fixing?

“Don’t...Gray, don’t say that. Don’t tell me you love me when I’m with someone that I know I can trust. Don’t mess up my life again. It’s just started to get better. I was in bed for over a month, Graham! I couldn’t stop crying and now I’m doing better. I’m finally doing better and then you come back and you mess it up all over again.” His voice is desperate, and he hears someone talking to him in the background, pleading with him to hand over his phone.

“Juli...please...can we just...can’t we talk? I want to be with you...I want to make things up to you.” If only he knew what had happened that night. If only he had some explanation. “Please...Juli, I love you. I love you so much...I need you baby...I’m going crazy without you. Please...come home.” He is crying now too, tears running down his face as he begs for the love of his life.

There’s a sob on the other end of the line, and then someone takes the phone from him, sighing. It’s Ben, and his voice is soft but dismissive. “Gray, you need to stop this. You’re messing up his life. Juli doesn’t need this kind of shit. Leave him alone.”

*

Instead of the new boyfriend, Ben stops by to pick up Juli’s clothes. He doesn’t ask how Gray is doing, but he hugs him as soon as Graham opens the door. He sinks into the hug, breathing in the familiar scent. They used to be pretty good friends, but he can’t blame him for choosing to protect his cousin. Ben ruffles up the younger boys hair as he pulls back, shaking his head a little. “I’m sorry Gray. I really am. I know you love Juli...and I know he loves you. And yeah, maybe somewhere down the line you two will work it out. Give him time, Graham. He needs to find out on his own that he doesn’t want some random other guy.”

Graham looks at him, hopeful. “You think he might-”, but Ben cuts him off, shaking his head.

“I don’t know, Gray. You hurt him, pretty bad. He’s never loved anyone before, and he was...he was so damn sure that you two would be forever. So was everyone else. Fuck, Graham, what happened? Why the hell did you decide to mess things up? Was it some curiosity? Did you hurt him on purpose? What the hell happened?” Ben looks like he wants to shake him, and Graham can’t even face him. He wraps arms around himself, stepping aside to let his friend into the house. It was a mess, he was a mess.

“I don’t know” His voice is soft, but he meets Bens eyes, trying to let him know that he’s serious. That he doesn’t know, even if it might sound like a lie. “I don’t remember anything from that night. That’s why I never said anything...I didn’t want to worry him.”

“Didn’t want him to think you were a little kid that needed looking after?”

Graham blushes a little, looking down and muttering something at the floor. Ben feels sorry for him for a moment, and shakes his head. “Look, kid...Juli’s had bad experiences with people that he should be able to trust. You know all about that...you two have been dating for three years, for Christs sake. If he gives you another shot-“ He sees Graham looking up again, hopeful, and hates that he has to do this to him. Deep down he knows that Gray is a good guy, and Juli does too. But Juli is afraid. He’s so fucking afraid of being let down again. “I said, if, then damn it...you’ve got to get your act together. You’ve got to be prepared to do anything.”

At that, Grays’ jaw sets tightly, and his eyes have some spark as he meets Bens eyes head-on. “Anything” It’s a promise. “Anything. Ben, I’d die for him. He’s my guy. Not someone else’s.”

“Jeremy” Ben sighs a bit. “His name’s Jeremy. The kid is alright, but he’s not Juli’s type. He doesn’t make him smile the way you did. Gray...he needs to remember. How things were between you two. He needs to remember how good you were together.” He takes up the box, smiling a little as he gently squeezes Grahams shoulder. “Make him remember, Gray.”

*

Make him remember. How is he supposed to do that? He’s not allowed to contact him, or at least, Ben told him to wait. So he does, but he doesn’t avoid the streets where he used to walk with Juli. Not anymore. And sometimes, he takes out his guitar, and sits on a corner, playing songs that remind him of his love, hoping that he’ll walk by.

And one day he does, though when Juli passes him his eyes are closed, and his voice is wavering, because he sings about him, always.

“Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore”

Graham bites his lip, playing the guitar with eyes closed while people look at him, some giving him money, others standing just to see and hear him play. Somewhere in the crowd, Juli has come to a halt, turning towards the familiar voice. He’s heard that voice in every possible way, from sleepy as he sang and whispered to him at night, lips on Juli’s throat, to silken when he was turned on, short when he was upset, or crying. Gray didn’t cry in front of others. At least, he tried his damn best not to, though the last thing Juli had seen as he walked out of their apartment were the traces of teardrops on Grahams face.

“It’s ridiculous
It's been months
And for some reason I just
Can't get over us”

He opens his eyes, right then and there, and Juli can see them brimming with tears. He hides, behind the back of a large man, sneaking a glance at him ever so often, even though his head tries to get his feet to move. He’s late, he should really get a move on, but he’s so damn mesmerized by that guy, that he stands there and listens, even if it breaks his heart all over again.

“And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?”

Graham wipes at his eyes as he finishes the song, embarrassed though people are clapping, throwing money into the guitar case. He smiles a bit, running fingers through his hair. He needs a haircut, but Juli...He sighs to himself, shaking his head a little. Juli isn’t there anymore. Juli has another boyfriend that he can take to the hair dresser, another man that will smile, amused at the way his lover changes the atmosphere of those around him. Graham isn’t that man anymore, even though he’s desperate to become that man again.

*

It’s late in the afternoon as he heads home, on what would have been their anniversary. He’s tried putting it off, has even scheduled to go out with his friends tonight, though he’s seriously considering canceling. He just wants to stay home and wallow. Look at some pictures, some video’s maybe, of anniversaries, birthdays, happy occasions. If he can’t have Juli, at least he’ll remember the way he laughs. Of course, it only takes him a few seconds of closing his eyes to remember everything else.

When he opens the door, there is a note on the counter. Wondering who got into his apartment –the only one with a key was Juli– he rushes over, taking up the note with trembling fingers. Stopped by to get some pictures, few other things as well. I’ll swing by after work, is that okay? There’s a little squiggle on the bottom as if he’d almost signed it the way he always had in the past, a little heart over a curly J, but had reconsidered mid-writing.

Graham wonders what Juli was looking for, and then goes to cancel on his friends. They pretend to understand, but he knows that most, if not all, are getting tired of his pining after his ex. They were kids that lived by the day, not worrying about the past or future. He’d been like that too, before he met Juli. A regular street kid, fighting and partying his way through life, doing whatever he had to do to bring back money to the family.

And then one day he’d met him. Perfection in doe-eyes and flushed lips, in a smile in a bar. He’d come back the next day, and the next, and it went on for two weeks before he finally got the kiss he’d been hoping of since the beginning. From there their relationship had skyrocketed. Even before they officially moved in together, Gray had been more at Juli’s place than anywhere else. He’d worked hard, got a nice job at a respectable company, even though he hated the job, all to provide a home for him and his love. The home that was a house now.

He spends a long time in the shower, and an even longer time in front of the mirror, trying out clothes that say he’s dressed casual, but still trying to look nice for him. In a totally friends-only kind of way. Gray wonders what Juli will be like when he gets back from work. Most of the time he’s drunk, though he’s barely ever out of his mind. He’ll just have the edges taken off, so he doesn’t have to think about his job. Graham knows he prefers it that way and that is why he’s never asked him to stop. He wonders if the other guy has.

*

The doorbell shakes him from his reverie and he pushes himself off of the couch, finding it impossible to breathe. Graham wipes his hands on his jeans, chewing on his lip as he crosses the short distance to his door, to their door, wanting to see him so bad. It’d been so long since he actually talked to him. They’ll talk now, won’t they? At least a little? Juli can’t just stop by without acknowledging him, can he?

“Hi” The others voice is short and too chipper to be real, but Graham lets it slide and just answers with his own hello. They stand in the doorway for a while, awkwardly eyeing each other, seeing the little changes that come with everyday life. Gray wants to reach out and touch him, to make sure that he’s real, and when he makes a move to do so, Juli actually reaches for him as well. There is a tentative smile as their fingers brush against each other, and they stay like that for a moment or two. Then there is sudden movement from Juli’s side, and he is wrapping arms around him, hugging him and burying his face in the crook of Grahams neck. Just like always.

And just like always, Gray wraps arms around him, lets Juli cling to him for as long as he wants to. He can feel wetness against his skin, and one hand tangles in the others hair, holding him close, never wanting to let go again and he doesn’t dare to speak because if he does, this moment is ruined, and they’ll never ever get the chance to fix it again.

Eventually, Juli pulls back and wipes at his eyes with an embarrassed smile. He even makes a move to say ‘sorry’, but Graham shakes his head, walking to the fridge. “Soda?” His voice, too, sounds too forced to be convincing, but just as him, Juli plays the game and doesn’t acknowledge it. He nods, taking a drink from Graham that causes their fingers to brush again and both look down to the floor, where Flower is meowing and wondering what on earth those two are doing apart. She circles Juli’s ankles until he picks her up, and the first she does is scratch his cheek. It sort of makes Graham laugh. “She misses you” He says, walking over to the cabinet to get out some cleaning fluid and a bandaid. Juli stands there, watching him, drinking in his movements, his breathing, all those little things he’s missed so much, and all he wants to hear is how Graham misses him too, but the words never come. Instead there’s soft fingers on his cheek, the familiarity of a nearby body, and he wants to reach out, bury his head in Grays’ shoulder again and never let go, but the moment has passed. So he allows him to fix his cheek, before stepping back to get his soda.

“I miss you too” Juli bites his lip, as if he can’t believe he just said that. Gray looks up at him, fidgeting with the bandaid, finding it hard to look him in the eye. He wants to, wants to just close the distance between them and kiss him, but so much has happened. So much still needs to be said.

Juli steps closer to him, wanting to lean in and kiss him, but Graham shakes his head, brushing his thumb over his cheek. “I don’t want to be the other man...” His voice is soft, and he catches the others hand, bringing it to his lips. Trying to show him that he cares, that he -wants- to kiss him, but that it wouldn’t be right. He’s not a cheater.

“Hypocrite” Juli mutters, but it lacks the venom from before, and Gray just sort of smiles at him, trying to convey how he feels about him. It makes his ex sigh, and run fingers through his short hair. Graham always likes how it seems to fall into his eyes, especially combined with the cute way he tried to brush it away. In vain. “You’re right. I shouldn’t be trying to kiss you when I have someone who makes me happy. Someone I can trust...” Now he’s deliberately trying to hurt him and Grays jaw tightens, turning his back towards him.

“If you just came here to insult me, you can leave. What do you want, Juli? Do you want me to say that I miss you more than anything? That I’ll never love anyone the way I love you? That there’s not a single day I don’t regret what I did?” Graham clenches his fists, tears in his eyes as he turns around to look at him.

“I would, but you know what? I’m so damn sick of you blaming me for this. If you would have bothered to listen to me, three months ago, I would have told you that I didn’t cheat on you. Not willingly. I’d tell you that I can’t remember what happened that night. That I got a drink from a stranger, and after that I blanked out. I’d –tell- you, that I wish I could remember, that maybe then I’d feel the filthy slut that you called me.”

He was almost screaming at the end of it, and bit his lip. “You know what. I’m done. I’m done feeling guilty for someone drugging me. You didn’t bother to listen to me, and I’m finally done blaming myself for that. I couldn’t make you listen. Yeah, maybe that was my fault. Maybe I should have painted a  neon sign over my head saying hey, I had a reason for cheating.” Shrugging on his jacket, he walks towards the door. “Then again, maybe you should just have trusted me. Do you have any idea how much that hurts, Juli? Three years, and when it comes down to it, you don’t trust me.”

*

The whole thing gets out of hand, and Juli has fled the house in tears. Of course, like that, on its own, hasn’t been completely wonderful, he’s had to listen to Ben screaming at him on the phone for over an hour. Rubbing his forehead, he endured the yelling, not interrupting him once. He deserved it, for making Juli cry, for making him remember the bad things instead of all the wonderful times they’d shared. If only he could do it all over...but he’d just messed up his last chance at ever getting another kiss from him.

So how to go from here? How can he show him the good times? How can he go back to the way things were. He remembers so much. The first kisses, the first time they went on a date, a proper date. How Juli had made puppy eyes at him until he bought him a rose and had their picture taken. How they ended up at the beach, arms wrapped around each other, staring at the sunrise. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was the way to getting Juli back.

*

Graham leaves him a rose the next night, slipping through the crowd unnoticed, except for Ben who just looks at him, with that one glare that says he’s not going to let Gray hurt Juli any more. He tries to smile at him, putting the rose on the stage as Juli closes his eyes for a second, dancing for no one and everyone at the same time. He hates his job, always has, but he’s never asked him to quit. Often he wonders if he should have, but Juli was such a free spirit. He never wanted to tie him down.

There’s a card attached to the rose, familiar handwriting that he knows Juli will recognize. He wonders if the dancer will do anything about it. If he still wants him the way he does. If he feels like there is still something left to fix. He has to, doesn’t he? If not, then why was he shouting at him? Why was he crying?

*

Graham sits there, waiting at the beach, for what seems like an eternity. Everything’s been planned out, but he doesn’t know if Juli will even show up. It’s cold out, and he’s pulled the blanket around himself, leaving drinks and his favorite food in what is supposed to be a picknick basket. Fuck. He’s freezing, and Juli isn’t there. He was supposed to be there by now. What if he doesn’t want him anymore?

He flicks open the ring case, tears blurring his sight. He’s stupid, isn’t he? He was expecting Juli to show up, he really was. But Juli’s said it so many times that maybe it’s about damn time he starts believing it. It’s over. It’s been over for three months and he’s still here, he’s still hoping and damn it, why is he doing this to himself? Why can’t he just give up on the love of his life and accept that he’s happy with someone else?

Gray wipes the tears from his face as he gets up, clutching the box in his hand. He’s tempted to throw it into the ocean, but it’s an expensive ring and he might as well get some refund for it. After all, he’s going to be needing a new apartment soon. What was he thinking, staying in the house they shared? He can’t fucking stay there, not for one more damn minute.

“Face it Gray” He mutters to himself, “you’re just a damn fool” He rubs at his eyes, angry at the tears that threaten to spill out again, and he stuffs the ring case back into his pocket, when suddenly Juli comes barreling into him, holding him so tight that he can’t breathe but it’s okay because it’s -Juli- and he’s clinging to him and shit, he’s crying. They’re both crying, and then they’re kissing, hot, sloppy kisses that say much more than they can put into words, and Gray, he runs his fingers through Juli’s hair, desperate, wanting to make sure that he’s here, that he’s really real, and Juli...he does the same.

He clings to Gray, kissing him, hard. Time and time and time again until his lips are bruised, until Graham can’t even remember what he’s doing there, but it’s okay because really, whatever the hell he’s doing, he’s doing it with Juli and that is just so right. He tries telling him that, but Juli shakes his head, straddling him on top of the blanket, hands curling in his shirt as if he’s tempted to just rip it off. “I’m sorry” He mutters, a kiss for every button that gets undone, and a kiss for every kiss they’ve missed in those months. “Shit, Gray, I’m so sorry.”

Graham is quick to forgive, but it’s like Juli doesn’t want it. He pushes himself off of Gray, sitting down next to him on his knees, arms wrapped around the man he loves. He’s been away from him for too long and he just can’t stand not touching him for a second longer. “You’re totally right. I should have trusted you. I should have...and I didn’t...and Jesus, Gray, I don’t deserve you. I totally don’t. You’re not the other man, you never were. You’re my guy. You’re mine, and please, please just tell me that I’m still yours.”

One arm is wrapped around Juli’s waist, as he nuzzles his jaw, soft lips scraping the stubble that he hasn’t bothered to shave. His free hand digs into his pocket, as he takes out the ring and slips it onto Juli’s finger without so much as a word. “Always were. Always effing were.”

So here it was. Another shitty day. Too much work, too much stress, not enough sleep and no love. Just what one needs to feel happy [/sarcasm]
Eight hours of torture at work, a trip home (traffic, traffic, heavy traffic). Gloomy and grumpy I entered the apartment and here it was...

waiting for me...

MY CASEY CALVERT TWLOHA T-SHIRT!!!!! :)

sorry. I had to do it ^_^
I'll post a picture soon. I'm too lazy today.

peace!
Jules

Last week I saw you at the mall
standing at the pay phone bout to make a call
I had a vision it was me on the other end
telling you come by and then you walked in
I touched you gently with my hands
we talked about traveling the distant lands
escaping all the madness out here in the world
becomin my wife no longer my girl
then, you let your dress fall down to the floor
i kissed you softly and you yearned for more
we experienced pleasure unparallel
into an ocean of love we both fell
swimming in the timeless, currents of pure bliss
fantasies interchanging with each kiss
undying passion unities our souls
togehter we swim until the point of no control
but its a fantasy you won't come true
we never even spoke and your man still loves you
so I'm gonna keep all these feelins inside
keep my dreams alive until the right time

How sick is that? How twisted a life can become? Why can't our hearts open for the right ones only...
Just a reflection I got after talking to my friend

It's not mine. If you like it kids, turn back in time and liste to LL Cool J feat. Boyz II Men - Hey Lover

peace
J

With anyone who'll lie down
I'll be stuck fixated on one star
When the world is crashing down

I wish actually. Remember when I mentioned in one post that one certain poem was born when I couldn't sleep. Well it's back. The insomnia I mean. It's really frustrating. I lie down and stare at the ceiling...I roll onto my right side and stare at my desk...I roll onto my left side and stare at the wall...I roll onto my stomach and stare at the pillows. My cat is unhappy with constant wiggling but I can't help it. It just lasts for hours....then I finally fall asleep around 3am, have a short 3 hours of deep sleep with dreams I can't remember in the morning, get up and go to work. I'm starting to feel like zombie. I've always been a night owl and getting up early has never been pleasureable but bearable. After 6-7 hours of sleep, not three. Although the level of dizziness caused by this has advantages too. Can save on weed or shrooms ;) kidding of course :P don't listen to me. I'm sleep deprived. The sad thing is I can't do anything about it unless I take some sleeping pills. But the dose would have to be rather strong and then I wouldn't be able to wake up before noon. Useless...

I'm having another episode
I just need a stronger dose

Any ideas what else I could do? Help...

...and no, imagining naked Brendon doesn't help ;)

I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type

A funny thing happened to me last night. I was sent a link to someone's buzznet page (thanks pumpkin). That person had a Panic banner with some photos and three drawings she claimed she made herself. My drawings. To add the irony those were the same drawings I gave to Panic when they were in Europe. That's pretty annoying I must say. Though looking for positives in this situation I could say "wow, I'm getting famous" ^_~

...sleep deprived, remember?

...getting up gives me a funny feeling...

...I hope you all got a good night sleep

peace and love

Jules

 

Sometimes all it takes is one little moment to turn your feelings upside down. Sometimes one little thing can twist your heart, sometimes you're not sure how to reach out or who to reach for. And then there's you. My knight in shining armor. The one who's always here, even if you feel like you're not.

All it takes
Is one little moment

One little flash
Of red
Of pale skin
Knife shining

All it would take
Is one little heartbeat
One thought of why not
Who cares

All it will ever take
Is a friend reaching out
Blinking boxes on the internet

One little moment
Fly or fall
Cheery, teary smile
Slip away or stay

One little moment
I’m still here

Then...

Numb
Empty
Blamed for being
Who I am
Blamed for wanting
Never in control
Torn between a dream
And the reality
Always waiting
Never having
Because having is wrong
So they say
Because I was born
To please
And still I'm called
Selfish
So I grit my teeth again
I close my eyes and
I go numb
But how much longer
Before I disappear...?

Who will catch me when I fall from grace? Who will be there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart? Just some lyrics. They might exist, they might just be there in my mind. Does it even matter who wrote it? Those questions are still valid, still true. And from life I've learned that the answer isn't always as happy as you want it to be. Most of the time it's just 'YOU' who will pick up the pieces, who will learn to deal with everything. Maybe not in the best way. Maybe sometimes all you can do is withdraw and go numb, stop thinking about it and push through, through, through until the next time you get a break. If there even is a next time.

---

Again I go unnoticed
Once more I’m cast aside
Sacrificed for your needs

Who cares if I bleed
Or cry in the night
Who cares if I give up
If there’s something
Left in me to fight

Sun and center
Burn and melt
Thrown out
Of the spotlight

Cause who cares
About the dancer
That fell while she spinned

Who cares about the soul
That’s reaching out
Crying for help

Again I go
Unnoticed
If at all

Barely there
Barely anywhere
Slipping away

Who cares if I bleed
Or cry in the night
Who cares if I give up
If there’s something
Left in me to fight

Certainly not you

---

Sometimes there are other people. They might not understand why you feel the way you do - and how can they when even I don't understand what I'm feeling? There is a diagnosis that fits me, but everything I hear about it in the media is so negative. Some people refuse to believe that I'm 'that', that I'm not 'normal'. What is normal? What is wrong about a diagnosis if it helps me get through things? Isn't that what we're here for? To get through life, take the little help we're given? Shouldn't they be happy that there might be something that can help me? Someone? Or am I just deluding myself? Am I normal enough to not be given a label? Does that mean I won't get the help I need?

So many thoughts and they all scare me. I don't want to be different, not in a bad way at least. But does a diagnosis change who I am? How I think, what I feel? I read my poetry, songs I've written, and sometimes it's like it's not me who wrote that. Emotions can be so intense one moment, and I won't know why. I can't understand why all of a sudden, a few nights ago, all I wanted to do was die. And it makes me feel like the most selfish person on earth because if I don't understand, then doesn't that mean I don't have problems? Doesn't that mean that I'm just begging for attention and should shut the f*ck up?

So many questions...Will I ever find the answers?

---

V1
I’m stuck in the middle
Of a life that’s not mine
Bruises on my soul,
But I’ll tell the world I’m fine

V2
Passing through the days
As if I’m a dream
People see a reflection
The real me goes unseen

Chorus:
Whispers keep shouting out in my head
As I compromise until there’s nothing left
Of who I am, who I was meant to be
You used me up, made a shell of me

V3
Alone in a world full of people
No one bothers to really look
How can they love me if I’m not me
When there is nothing left because of all you took

V4
They say love is supposed to make you happy
And I work so hard, every day
To be the one you want me to be
That the real me is fading away

Chorus:
Whispers keep shouting out in my head
As I compromise until there’s nothing left
Of who I am, who I was meant to be
You used me up, made a shell of me

Bridge:
I look for love, in all the wrong places
A hibernating heart, scanning unknown faces

V5:
Is it really love when you give up so much
When you change yourself for a kiss or a touch
When your smile is an act,
Hiding the fact
That you want to cry
Wouldn’t it be easier to just say goodbye?

Chorus:
Whispers keep shouting out in my head
As I compromise until there’s nothing left
Of who I am, who I was meant to be
You used me up, made a shell of me

Fade-out:
How long will it be before I’m tired of waiting
Before I give up, and decide to stay
How long will it be, before I fade away...

More of my not so happy poetry. Maybe one day I will fall in love and only write happy, gushy skip-through-the-daisies stuff.

--

Do I belong
In a world of hurt
Do I want to

Spend my days
Surrounded by fear
Drowning in tears

Standing on the edge
Flying vs falling
Take a risk

Someone please
Pull me back
Someone please
Make me stay

A fast train
Speeding out
Of control

Bound by
My own thoughts
My own strength
Or is it weakness

Fear of giving up
Fear of giving in
Failure

Waiting on a battle
That is going to come
One I can’t outrun
One I can’t ignore

Waiting, spending nights
Alone with my thoughts
Waiting on the day
That I’ll be free

Waiting on a day
That will never come

So I am standing
On the edge
And jump

---

One of those moods
Again
Want to hit, want to hurt
Want to destroy

One of those moods
I withdraw
Trying to make you see
And trying
To make you forget

About me

One of those days
Where I can’t
Empathize
Be nice

One of those moods
Where all I want
Is to be the center
Of the world

One day
One time
One conversation
Seemingly disinterested

I wish I could change
Wish I knew how to say
That I am not okay

Trying not to reach out
Trying not to draw attention
To the hurt inside

Because there is always
Someone who needs help
Someone who’s worse off
Someone who is my friend

And for me
It’s just one of those days
One of those moods
That I have to go through

I wish that I could say
How much I need you
How much I hate myself

I wish I could show
That I still love you
Even at days like this
Even in moods like this

Maybe one day

---

I am on
The borderline
Slipping in and out
Of control

I cry, I laugh
I tease, I hurt
I fall, I fly
I crash, I burn

So afraid
Of losing you
That I end up
Pushing you away

Need to be
Your number one
Need to be
The only one

I scratch, I bleed
I fall, I need
So fast, so hard
So numb, so smart

Walking the fine line
Between being sane
And out of place
Between being here
Or lost in my mind

I scream, I fight
Out of sight
Out of mind

Always on
The borderline

---

I love a lot
Of things
About myself

And hate
Just as many

I hate how I always
Have to be in control

I hate how I always
Need to be happy

Need to be strong
Need to be perfect

I hate how I always
Fail

I hate how people
Can make me feel
I hate how I want to
Withdraw from the world

I hate how I need you
I hate how I act

I hate how I love you
And I hate how I don’t

I hate how I need
To protect myself
I hate how I think
I need to pretend

I know you know
Me better than that
I know you see through me
See it’s all an act

I hate how you do that
And at the same time
I love how I know
Your friendship will always be mine

---

I’m tired
Sick of
Everything

Isn’t there
Some pill
Some shot

Anything the doctor
Can give me
That will make me
Stop feeling

People say
They care
And I know
They’re not pretending

And still I wish
I could stop caring
Stop feeling this hurt
But I hide my crying eyes

I think
My happy ending
Is gone

So give me something
Anything
Numb sounds too good
To pass up

---

The urge
To apologize
When there is nothing
But silence

The desire to make up
For something I might
Not even have done

Why do I feel
This is my fault
Why do I always
Blame myself

Trying to help
Trying to be me
In a world that
Doesn’t want me here

So I leave
I withdraw
As I always do

No instant message
No internet
No phone
No hurt

I wish it was that easy
But as I cry in silence
On my couch

My phone is on
My computer too
Reaching out for you
Will you be reaching back

Or will I just be met
With silence

---

So many times
I feel like
I’m doing better
I’m doing alright

So many days
That I spend smiling
Proud of myself
Proud of being me

And then there is
This nagging feeling
The one that says
I’m not right

I’m not supposed
To be happy
I’m not meant
To be smiling

And in those moments
I feel worthless
I feel angry, and sad
Jealous, clingy, possessive

I feel everything
I don’t want to feel
I feel like I have to
Push you away

I try so hard
To hide
I try so hard
To be better

Only to be let down
In the end

I swear, I'm almost done with uploading my poetry. Rereading it, I feel like this person who wrote all that is so far away, and yet I know that I'm her. She's too close for comfort sometimes. Does that make sense?

--

I’m just a girl
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I smile
Sometimes I think too much

Sometimes I feel depressed
Sometimes I dance in my room
Home alone, a smile on my face

Sometimes emotions
Get the best of me
Sometimes I feel
Like a rollercoaster
Out of control

Sometimes I think
That my problems are stupid
Sometimes I’m afraid
Of hurting you

Sometimes I do hurt you

I lie sometimes,
Break promises
Feel weak and not good enough
Want to curl up in my bed
Smoke, scream, cry
Sometimes I’m not
Who I want to be

Sometimes I’m afraid
That I will never
Be good enough

And yet, sometimes
I see myself
The way you see me

So, sometimes
I’m the girl
That looks in the mirror
And smiles

I'll be going to see someone soon, and finally get things out of my system. Maybe I'm not just crazy, maybe I am. We'll see. Either way, I need my friends now more than ever, and if I ever do something that makes it look like I don't appreciate you all, then just look into my heart and see the little scared girl that hides inside.

--


Rejection
Has always been
Will always be
My biggest fear

People who stop talking
When someone else logs on
People who don’t send
PM’s as soon or often as I want them to

Makes me wonder
How special I am
How much they care

Rejection
Something I live with
Every day
Something that makes me do
Things my friends won’t like

Rejection
I set myself up for it
Why are you still here?

---

I wish
I could fight
This feeling
Inside

Loneliness
In my heart
Even with people
That care

Numbness
Spreading through
Pulling me away
Into darkness

People love me
But it’s not enough
Never enough
To keep me here

I wish
I knew
What I wanted
What I need

I wish
I could
Let you in
Let you help

But how
Can you help
If even I
Don’t understand

---

Lost for words
Caught inside
A web of pain

Speaking
The language
Of tears

Where do I turn
Without
A guiding light

---

Pulling back
Pulling away
Don’t need anyone

I am fine
Smiling
Through
My tears

I am fine
Put on a mask
Walk in the rain
Anything
To cover
Up

I am fine
Doesn’t matter
Anyway
Feelings
Are overrated

I am fine
Numb
Broken
Crying
I am fine

---

Tired
Of
You

Tired
Of
Being
Here

Tired
Of
Letting
Go

Tired
Of
Staying
Away

So
Tired
Of
Everything

Curl up
In my bed
And let go

I’ll face
The world
Another day